It may be the consistent sleep deprivation or listening to the more mellow selections of my Pandora, but a discontent has seized me. I have recently come to the discovery that I am an advocate. A voice for the people who don't, and a representative for those who are displaced. I used to be upset and confused as to why I never seemed to fit into any particular niche. My groups of friends are incredibly eclectic, and I wondered if it was normal not to identify more with one than all the others, and then I came to a greater discovery: I am designed to bridge those niches. Maybe not quite proactively (because even though I know it's happening, I can't see it in the process)... or maybe I should be more proactive than I am. I may or may not have been born with the personality of an advocate, but I can tell you with certainty that it's something that God is continually shaping in me. When I realized this about myself, I was excited and quite relieved, for the simple fact that I finally came up with an accurate description to what I had been feeling this whole time- the shift, the change, the growth.
Then I come to moments like now. What human being can completely avoid comparing themselves to the people around them? It's hardwired in our psyche- whether we put action to our thoughts is a different story- to bookmark where we are in relation to the people we are surrounded with. "Shoot, I'm not as badass as her, but at least I'm not as sheltered as him... and how on earth did she end up with someone as awesome as that guy?!" I understand it is human nature to detour into a thought process/logic like this... but as a believer, isn't this what I was put on this earth to rise above? (Thank you, Katherine Hepburn.) Like a runner of a race, I have many things like this in my peripheral vision, but if I didn't put those fleeting distractions behind me, I would never get where I'm going.
Do I focus on fleeting things in the corner of my eye? Sometimes. Do I occasionally get depressed or discouraged? Absolutely. Do I let my personal issues and wounds shift into my priorities to dwell on after I've dealt with them. Pfft, no.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The Fortnight That Changed My Life
I've seen a glimpse of one of my dreams come true. A dream come true. Not just something awesome or mind-blowing happening, but something that I've been praying and thinking about for years. Let's take it from the top.
Three years ago, my mom dragged the family to some "information about Cambodia" thing on a Sunday afternoon. I knew she was hyped about it and there was free food... plus I didn't have a choice, so off I went. This "information" meeting drew me into what I consider one of the most pivotal events of my life. There was an opportunity to spend two weeks in Cambodia with the group of strangers I met that afternoon, and I felt the inexplicable yearning to go. I didn't even know where Cambodia was. But I knew I wanted to go. We would build a playground for the kids at one of the orphanages that Foursquare and Warm Blankets established, and if that fell through (which did), then we'd do anything else that needed to be done.
Fast forward to the first night we stayed in Pai Lin, the rural city where we stayed in a local hotel and served the orphanage in the area. I unexpectedly woke up and could not go back to sleep. I had half a mind that God had something to say, so I went out on the balcony of the hotel and was quiet. I became overwhelmed with the realization of His grace. My God, the creator of the entire universe, chose each one of the children we get to play with this week. He designed each of them FOR HIS DELIGHT. Poverty and prostitution litter the streets of southeast Asia. People all around the world struggle to live one day to the next burdened with hurt and brokenness and whose lives are untouched by love. My Lord chose each one of these children to mirror Him to the world they were born into by simply planting love in their hearts. That night, my heart broke in so many ways. Like God does when He breaks our hearts, if we let Him, He pieces them back together in His fashion with His passions and desires for us. He created in me a passion for people.
Ever since that night, I have had a burden on my heart for the people of Cambodia. In recent weeks, I have had a draw toward the people of Cambodia. The human part of me sometimes gets wild over and idea, gets side tracked, and moves to the next idea. For 3 years that wildness hasn't gone away- it has intensified. I came home from work one day and asked my parents what they thought about my pursuing the possibility of going to Cambodia, and after getting a green light, I was fully confident about pursuing it further. I sent an e-mail to the gentleman who, with his wife, began the ministry in Cambodia that I served with three years ago. After a month of silence, I got a reply early one morning and I could not stop dancing and giggling. Not because anything was now solid, but because I am being taken seriously and they are interested. Because I have a shot. Because, just maybe, God is opening the door for me to be somewhere and do something that I ache to do.
I might go, I might not. It may take quite a while to prepare, I might leave the minute my debts are paid off. I don't know. If I go, it would be for two years, and I am so ready for that. The more I talk to people, the more I realize how absurd it sounds to be heart-skippingly excited to live in Southeast Asia, away from family and comforts for two years. But I am. And I know there is no way that it is just me psyching myself up for an adventure. It is the seed that was planted 3 years ago on that balcony in the red dirt covered city of Pai Lin. It's starting to bloom.
Three years ago, my mom dragged the family to some "information about Cambodia" thing on a Sunday afternoon. I knew she was hyped about it and there was free food... plus I didn't have a choice, so off I went. This "information" meeting drew me into what I consider one of the most pivotal events of my life. There was an opportunity to spend two weeks in Cambodia with the group of strangers I met that afternoon, and I felt the inexplicable yearning to go. I didn't even know where Cambodia was. But I knew I wanted to go. We would build a playground for the kids at one of the orphanages that Foursquare and Warm Blankets established, and if that fell through (which did), then we'd do anything else that needed to be done.
Fast forward to the first night we stayed in Pai Lin, the rural city where we stayed in a local hotel and served the orphanage in the area. I unexpectedly woke up and could not go back to sleep. I had half a mind that God had something to say, so I went out on the balcony of the hotel and was quiet. I became overwhelmed with the realization of His grace. My God, the creator of the entire universe, chose each one of the children we get to play with this week. He designed each of them FOR HIS DELIGHT. Poverty and prostitution litter the streets of southeast Asia. People all around the world struggle to live one day to the next burdened with hurt and brokenness and whose lives are untouched by love. My Lord chose each one of these children to mirror Him to the world they were born into by simply planting love in their hearts. That night, my heart broke in so many ways. Like God does when He breaks our hearts, if we let Him, He pieces them back together in His fashion with His passions and desires for us. He created in me a passion for people.
Ever since that night, I have had a burden on my heart for the people of Cambodia. In recent weeks, I have had a draw toward the people of Cambodia. The human part of me sometimes gets wild over and idea, gets side tracked, and moves to the next idea. For 3 years that wildness hasn't gone away- it has intensified. I came home from work one day and asked my parents what they thought about my pursuing the possibility of going to Cambodia, and after getting a green light, I was fully confident about pursuing it further. I sent an e-mail to the gentleman who, with his wife, began the ministry in Cambodia that I served with three years ago. After a month of silence, I got a reply early one morning and I could not stop dancing and giggling. Not because anything was now solid, but because I am being taken seriously and they are interested. Because I have a shot. Because, just maybe, God is opening the door for me to be somewhere and do something that I ache to do.
I might go, I might not. It may take quite a while to prepare, I might leave the minute my debts are paid off. I don't know. If I go, it would be for two years, and I am so ready for that. The more I talk to people, the more I realize how absurd it sounds to be heart-skippingly excited to live in Southeast Asia, away from family and comforts for two years. But I am. And I know there is no way that it is just me psyching myself up for an adventure. It is the seed that was planted 3 years ago on that balcony in the red dirt covered city of Pai Lin. It's starting to bloom.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I sometimes offend people because I tell it like it is, and I can get a little too blunt. Most of the time I watch myself because I hate it when people are way too forward with me, it really depends on some people moods... but other times, I go for it anyway because what needs to be said needs to be said.
I am willing to be forward when...
Someone I love's well-being is on the line.
I have been clear about something, and a person doesn't get the hint that they're being obnoxious.
Someone I love is making stupid decisions and they need someone who isn't just going to turn a blind eye.
Usually if I find out that I have hurt someone's feelings unintentionally, I feel like a jerk and I want to instantly make it better. In the afore mentioned instances, I am willing to hurt someone's feelings (in a loving way) because something more valuable is on the line and I will not be made to feel guilty about protecting something that's precious to me. Whether it's protecting a person I love, myself, or trying to protect a person from themselves.
I know that I am talking in generalities, but in every instance, there is a person or situation that it applies to in my life. There are some things that just don't need to be broadcasted all over the internet.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My passion for Indian food and mixed drinks was renewed this afternoon. That and having some much-needed girl talk, I am incredibly satisfied right now. From lunching and talking, I have come to realize several things.
Good things come out of being vulnerable. One of the girls that we went out to lunch with, I didn't know very well, and my knee-jerk reaction was to be my amiable self and let the others do most of the deep talking. Instead, when the opportunity presented itself, I shared my struggle with transparency and our conversation remained real and we all told our stories.
I don't have to be 100% sure that someone is "the one" before even giving him a chance. The realm of dating and like subjects is hard to navigate, especially someone like me who doesn't date just to date. I don't have to take it as seriously as marriage... go figure!
North India Bar and Grill is always a smart meal choice. Always.
Good things come out of being vulnerable. One of the girls that we went out to lunch with, I didn't know very well, and my knee-jerk reaction was to be my amiable self and let the others do most of the deep talking. Instead, when the opportunity presented itself, I shared my struggle with transparency and our conversation remained real and we all told our stories.
I don't have to be 100% sure that someone is "the one" before even giving him a chance. The realm of dating and like subjects is hard to navigate, especially someone like me who doesn't date just to date. I don't have to take it as seriously as marriage... go figure!
North India Bar and Grill is always a smart meal choice. Always.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Boys are confusing and I have a problem. Can't I just be satisfied in knowing who I am and not require a relationship to affirm that? Once I have learned a certain lesson, I have realized that in about 6 months to a year, I end up learning the same lesson in a different way.
I think it's worth saying that the reason I began writing this blog isn't to get attention, make myself feel better than anyone else or be dramatic. As a matter of fact, I am hoping that no one really does read this. I have found that I tend to be a fairly closed off person in the sense that I have learned how to give and say what people want, but I don't easily give my trust. Giving someone my trust, for me, means that I allow them to know my emotions, my full and complete thoughts, let them see my flaws, and that whole bit. Of course, everyone does this to varying degrees, it's just that I find that my degree of being transparent isn't as open as I'd like. So in response to actually being called out on it by at least three people, and finally coming to terms with my behavior, I have started writing more honest, specific and emotional than I have in a long time.
I have always kind of been a journalizer, but I find it a fairly slow process, and how am I going to learn to go out on a limb in transparency if I keep writing in my journal and putting it away for no one to see? There are things I would never write on here, and unsent letters that will never be sent... but baby steps.
There will always be something that I say or think that might offend someone or something I think that someone might not agree with. Duh. And I just need to learn to be okay with that. I love God and I'm constantly renewing and refining my relationship with Him. Anyone who says being a Christian makes all the problems go away is a liar. Knowing that there is someone who I can trust with every part of my life really is the best coping mechanism I know of. I love people and I treat everyone with respect. I may not agree with your lifestyle or your choices, but who am I to throw the first stone? I will never condone something I believe is wrong, but I will never stop loving the person. That's who I am called to be and that's who I try to be.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I have an interview tomorrow. I want ANYTHING other than laying myself down as a welcome mat for the upper class of my city. Otherwise known as "customer service" on the wealthy part of town. Double whammy.
The superficial part of me looks forward to dressing particularly lovely to show a certain someone just what he's missing out on. I'm such a girl. Speaking of which, if I were to get this job, I would be perhaps the only girl working with mostly guys. In the completely platonic sense, this would royally rock!
The superficial part of me looks forward to dressing particularly lovely to show a certain someone just what he's missing out on. I'm such a girl. Speaking of which, if I were to get this job, I would be perhaps the only girl working with mostly guys. In the completely platonic sense, this would royally rock!
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